Desensitise your fear!

It's been a while since my last post and a lot has happened. Things are moving in the right directions and I feel stronger than I have ever been and I wanted to share it with you :)
This post may seem a bit of a cliché in style of 'everything happens for a reason' but when I look at the chain of the past events I really think it does. Facing my fears has proven to be the most liberating and empowering experience so why not see it as a gift rather than an obstacle??? 

I might jump back and forth with my posts but I quite like the contrast of the journey and its aftermath. This is the most recent update. Currently I have reached the bottom of my CBT practice sheet hierarchy, I am still undergoing the treatment but I have reached a rather comfortable point. For some reason my brain tried to separate different fears and still attempted to plant the seed of doubt as if different principles applied to different situations. All fears have to be treated in the same way, no excuses, you can't be selective about what you face and what you don't. Work your way through it at your own pace but face it all. The way I try to deal with my fears and anxious thoughts is by turning them into positive ones, it's not always easy and obvious and a lot of the time my brain is just 'not buying it' but it is possible. My therapist has helped me with that part and it really works (think of it as reprogramming your brain). I turned it into a game. Instead of dreading facing everything that might make me feel uncomfortable I see it as an opportunity to practice! I accepted the fact that I have no control of what is going to happen but I have the choice of how I deal with it and I chose to face it. I learned to accept the worst case scenario, but I think of a more realistic one instead of sitting down in fear thinking that I could not cope if anything went wrong. I needed to let go of trying to control my surroundings. Of course, some days when I am under a lot of stress the last thing I want is to feel anxious, but you have to stick with it. When I first started working through my fear hierarchy I looked at it as if it was a check list - once something was ticked off I wouldn't want to try it again in case I failed and it would set me back. It's like if you won a gold medal and you wouldn't want to compete again in case you didn't do that well the next time. This is not the way to do it, there will be better and worse days, but the more you practice the lower your anxiety will get. You need to find the strength to desensitise your fear! 

It really is that simple. When I think that not so long ago I had a breakdown and felt indifferent towards being alive and I look at myself now and I am the happiest I have ever been, I knew I needed to share this part of the story. Living in fear (of anything) is not living, it does not mean that your life has ended, you have to find the energy within you to fight the fear and facing it really is the only way! It may take you a while to gather the strength but hang in there! If you reached the point of feeling suicidal please seek help! Your fear and depression that comes with it is just clouding your judgement, give yourself a chance to break though it and return to your true self!

Once you seek help you must remember to give yourself some credit! This is something I struggle with. Yes, people take public transport every day, but I look at it as only a symbol of my fear manifesting itself. Is it really about going on a train? It rarely is and it certainly was not in my case. We are all different, do not compare yourself to others, this is your unique personal journey. So instead of demeaning your successes  learn to give yourself credit for the work you put into it so far :D Be kind to yourself.

Much love,
Kasia xxx

CBT, my personal journey (pun intended).

I would like to talk a bit more about CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) since it is the main type of therapy recommended for people with anxiety and phobias. If you are considering it or know someone who might, this is how my process took place. I am not sure if it varies but I have been told it is pretty standard. Firstly, if you would like to seek help through NHS the process can be quite long. You have to see you GP, then they will refer you for an external evaluation (you'll be given a 'low mood and anxiety' form to fill up and will undergo a 1h phone interview). It may take a couple of weeks to set this up and I am pretty sure the process depends on severity of your condition and how long you have waited before seeking help. If your assessment is successful you would be offered a treatment (anything from a group session to a one-to-one). At first I was allocated a 50 minute session weekly or fortnightly with a mental health practitioner (guided self help), then a more advanced weekly 50 min-2h CBT sessions with my current therapist.

CBT might not be for everyone, certainly my first experience with it was rather disastrous. I was hoping that just for seeking help I'd get some brownie points and all I would have to do is show up and talk about my problems on a chaise longue. Not quite what happened. I think with any kind of therapy you have to be ready, very determined and committed to it. Your therapist can only guide you, ask you the right questions and suggests suitable solutions but it is up to you to do the work. You need to want this really bad, bad enough to dig deep, face your fears and put yourself in high anxiety provoking situations. It is very scary at first and you will probably find hundreds of perfectly valid excuses not to do it but once you break through that first stage you are half way there. It really is worth it. Even if your issue does not affect your life as much as it did mine not dealing with the fear is like having a dark cloud following you around ready to expand and rain a sh*t storm...

The CBT itself is performed in the following stages. Firstly you need to identify your fear, what you are actually scared of and what might have caused it. Anxiety and panic attacks are simply symptoms, finding the cause is up to you, it may not always be obvious, but it is very important to identify it. There are many ways of uncovering it and your therapist will help you with that (questions, exercises, forms etc.) but you might have to go on a little trip down memory lane. Second thing (which I believe works for every phobia) is to create a hierarchy of feared objects/situations. This will eventually become your practise sheet. You write down the things in order, from the ones you fear the least to the ones that scare you the most and mark your potential anxiety on a scale of 0-100. For example in my case the easiest exercise was taking a bus, so I put down a bus journey, off peek, familiar route with someone I trust first. Then I'd make it a bit more unpleasant by going in rush hour, then move down the least to the most difficult one (in my case it's a packed tube during rush hour). Depending on what you fear and how ready you are you might want to start with something easier. I've been told to begin practising on something between 20-40 on anxiety scale, something that would provoke a bit of anxiety but was manageable at the same time. It can be as simple as looking at pictures of buses or sitting at a bus stop, it is different for everyone. The key with CBT is to expose yourself to anxiety provoking situations but start reprogramming your brain by sitting through the unpleasant situation and wait for the anxiety to go down rather than panic and run away.

As I have previously mentioned I was not on any form of public transport for around 6-7 months before my first exposure. I found it hard to create a clear hierarchy as at that point I felt like I didn't know my body and that anything could happen. I was scared that I would freak out and try to escape, but I was so tired of the situation I was in and decided that trying is better than sitting at home making assumptions. My practice sessions are done with my therapist and are followed by homework to be practised on my own. For my first one we agreed to go on a short overground train journey. The first step was to make a theory of what I think might happen, how anxious do I think I might be etc. then practise and evaluate what actually happen.

I'm not going to lie, the minute I woke up that morning I was anxious, but I knew I had to do it so I convinced myself that this is what I want. I want to put myself through it because I know it will benefit me. When I first got on the train I was paralysed, it felt surreal, like an out of body experience. I wanted to get off but my therapist asked 'how would you feel about staying?' Him given me the choice made me want to stay and see what happens. I sat down and my safety behaviours kicked in, I opened the window and sat down frozen. I rated my anxiety to 60-80 at that stage. Opening the window reinforced the thought that there's a threat so I have been asked to close it. It is actually quite hard to remember everything that happened, we have used all the little coping tricks like shifting the focus etc. and my anxiety eventually went down. It pretty much followed the wave pattern with peek parts getting lower and lower. The whole experience had left me a bit confused, I was afraid that every train journey might be this way. However I soon realised it was like ripping off the bandaid. Yes, it was unpleasant  but everything I have learned about anxiety has been confirmed. It has given me faith that this could actually work and decided I was ready!

TBC.
Much love, Kasia xx