This post may seem a bit of a cliché in style of 'everything happens for a reason' but when I look at the chain of the past events I really think it does. Facing my fears has proven to be the most liberating and empowering experience so why not see it as a gift rather than an obstacle???
I might jump back and forth with my posts but I quite like the contrast of the journey and its aftermath. This is the most recent update. Currently I have reached the bottom of my CBT practice sheet hierarchy, I am still undergoing the treatment but I have reached a rather comfortable point. For some reason my brain tried to separate different fears and still attempted to plant the seed of doubt as if different principles applied to different situations. All fears have to be treated in the same way, no excuses, you can't be selective about what you face and what you don't. Work your way through it at your own pace but face it all. The way I try to deal with my fears and anxious thoughts is by turning them into positive ones, it's not always easy and obvious and a lot of the time my brain is just 'not buying it' but it is possible. My therapist has helped me with that part and it really works (think of it as reprogramming your brain). I turned it into a game. Instead of dreading facing everything that might make me feel uncomfortable I see it as an opportunity to practice! I accepted the fact that I have no control of what is going to happen but I have the choice of how I deal with it and I chose to face it. I learned to accept the worst case scenario, but I think of a more realistic one instead of sitting down in fear thinking that I could not cope if anything went wrong. I needed to let go of trying to control my surroundings. Of course, some days when I am under a lot of stress the last thing I want is to feel anxious, but you have to stick with it. When I first started working through my fear hierarchy I looked at it as if it was a check list - once something was ticked off I wouldn't want to try it again in case I failed and it would set me back. It's like if you won a gold medal and you wouldn't want to compete again in case you didn't do that well the next time. This is not the way to do it, there will be better and worse days, but the more you practice the lower your anxiety will get. You need to find the strength to desensitise your fear!
It really is that simple. When I think that not so long ago I had a breakdown and felt indifferent towards being alive and I look at myself now and I am the happiest I have ever been, I knew I needed to share this part of the story. Living in fear (of anything) is not living, it does not mean that your life has ended, you have to find the energy within you to fight the fear and facing it really is the only way! It may take you a while to gather the strength but hang in there! If you reached the point of feeling suicidal please seek help! Your fear and depression that comes with it is just clouding your judgement, give yourself a chance to break though it and return to your true self!
Once you seek help you must remember to give yourself some credit! This is something I struggle with. Yes, people take public transport every day, but I look at it as only a symbol of my fear manifesting itself. Is it really about going on a train? It rarely is and it certainly was not in my case. We are all different, do not compare yourself to others, this is your unique personal journey. So instead of demeaning your successes learn to give yourself credit for the work you put into it so far :D Be kind to yourself.
Much love,
Kasia xxx
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