God I've got issues! So I had another CBT session which always leaves me in a bit of an emotional mess. I've been digging dipper and dipper, opening wounds I thought were healed. I don't want to scare anyone, this has been the most interesting and helpful journey I could have possible taken. There are, however, 'new' issues that keep coming up to the surface. It's been great, I have identified a lot of useful variables - no holding back for me. It did leave me thinking that perhaps I'm chasing the impossible. I guess 20something years with surprising certain feelings, rejection, daddy issues and self criticism does add up. I realised that I obsess about achieving perfection but once I reach my goals I diminish them completely. 'Happiness never lasts' my brain keeps whispering, 'things will go back to being s**t again so look out'. I have reached the top of my hierarchy yet I'm still not satisfied and question my abilities to cope. As if I can't give myself any credit for what I have achieved. Funnily enough it seems that even my friends can't win. For instance due to me being extremely self critical I question people praising me. Yes it's nice and it lifts my spirits but nearly immediately I start taking the compliments apart and manage to come up with numerous 'buts' and 'ifs' of why my achievements aren't really impressive.
On the other hand I'm so used to criticism that if you are mean and critical you're probably doing me more of a favour. It's like reverse psychology all over again. If you try to diminish my achievements I will feel uncomfortable but then my positive self-protective side kicks in ready to fight back and prove you wrong. Either way, I find new reasons to cause more drama for myself. When things go calm and quite that's when I'm most scared because I'm waiting for things to go wrong. It's like there's a part of me that is self destructive or at least masochistic. You may ask what does have to do with anxiety? Well me being the perfectionist causes additional anxiety because I create the never ending checklists of things that I have to tick off the list in order to be 'healed'. What I have discovered is that once I reach the bottom of the list I just make a new page. It's a constant chase as if allowing myself to feel happiness and appreciation of work I've put in would attract another problem to deal with. My philosophy at times seems to be: when things go wrong life can only get better, so why not just be unhappy and wait for the happiness that you will never allow yourself to feel... Seriously I want to get over it! I need to relax my rules and let go. I want to allow myself to feel joy, it may be another long journey as I'm rather emotionally scarred but I'm curious at the same time.
Wish me luck,
Much love, Kasia xx
No comments:
Post a Comment