The fear of relapse/approaching the end

I'm approaching the end of my treatment and the thought of it began to scare me a bit. My CBT sessions became my safety cushion but I know I can't depend on them and it's time to let go. A few weeks ago I started freaking out. I'm off my meds which I'm sure doesn't help but I wanted to come off them because a. I needed a reality check whether I could cope without them b. I don't like the idea of having strong chemicals in my system daily. (If you are thinking of coming off your meds talk to your doctor first, it was a long process for me, firstly I lowered the dose for a month, then I started taking it 6 days a week instead of 7, then 5, then 4 etc. it can't be done overnight, it takes a few months).

So why the freak out? It all leads back to my achievement list. The fear of my achievements being taken away, the fear of relapse. I've been doing so well that I started to feel anxious about potentially being anxious again. The time when my anxiety was at its highest and I was pretty much home bound was most definitely the worst time of life. The idea of me ever feeling the way I did ever again is one of the scariest thoughts. Again I don't think I give myself enough credit for the work I've done, I never celebrate my successes and take a breather, it's all about 'I've done it, what's next?'. What I found quite helpful was reviewing my progress. Taking myself back to where I started and appreciating the work I've put into it. I started thinking about potential relapse and how bad it could possibly be. My therapist had an analogy for it, simple but true: if you are on a motor way and your car breaks down do you stop and fix it or do you go all the way back? I think with anxiety it's important to accept that there will be better and worse days, it doesn't mean that after the anxiety level increasing a bit things will go all the way to the beginning. Just keep working through it, allow yourself to feel anxious. Accept it and it will go away! I have my last session coming up this week (11.07.2012), I will post afterwards. Wish me luck!

TBC

Much love,

Kasia xx