Telling your friends & 'rules for living'

After writing the 'tips to friends' at the end of my previous post I thought it would be important to mention how telling my friends and family about my issues with anxiety has helped me.

To begin with I would like to talk about something which my CBT therapist called "rules for living". While exploring the roots of my anxiety and panic attacks we came across a few interesting and helpful variables. One of them was my rule for living. It is something that we often root in our beliefs and personalities and it can affect all of our future decisions and the way we live our lives. Often something that we've been brought up with or were influenced by the environment and society which we were surrounded by (that's what I understood anyway ;) ). I created my own rules for living at a very early age and haven't reviewed/questioned them since so they stayed with me. My upbringing wasn't the happiest so pretty quickly I convinced myself of the following: must always be independent, must always be strong, showing emotions and vulnerability is a weakness. To some people I often appear closed-off, unavailable and they probably have never seen me showing a wide range of emotions. Those who have managed to break past my shell know that I'm just a silly, insecure at times, sensitive, people loving person that is capable of laughing out loud (imagine that ;) ). It took me a while to let anyone that close purely because I was scared they will uncover my 'secrets' and use them against me so I pushed people away instead. Hiding your true emotions is hard work - it's pretty much a full time job! Don't get me wrong, I haven't got a problem with voicing my opinions or talking about uncomfortable subjects, but most of the time I would only do this when I think I can keep my emotions in check.

So that being said when it came to talking to anyone about how anxiety affects my life it seemed impossible. The fear of rejection, lack of understanding or worrying my close ones was unbearable. Me losing control over a part of my life was something that I could not accept let alone share with other people. I then tried to convince myself that if my friends would want to understand they will. Shortly afterwards, however, I began to fear that I would become some sort of a burden, a pity case. Unable to travel to meet people I started avoiding phone calls. I was scared that me turning down a night out would be taken the wrong way and I didn't feel that I was ready to talk about the true reason behind me being antisocial or ask for help. At the time I thought I could handle it by myself. Well I really couldn't. Pretty soon I ended up depressed. I eventually sought professional help but it took a while to set up and I didn't have enough strength to deal with all the issues piling up. The secret of it all began to be heavier and heavier. My anxiety level was so high that I felt like I didn't know myself or my body any more. After running out of excuses and sanity I decided to talk. At that time I was still at the very beginning of my learning process about anxiety so I couldn't always articulate the problem very well. What I found helpful was actually sending my friends and family links to forums where people talked about similar experiences. There are a couple of reasons why I chose that way; firstly I didn't have to say certain things out loud, secondly in my head it made me less of a loony because my friends could see that this problem is quite common. I was afraid of being judged and looked at as a lazy diva who will no longer take public transport or that people would talk to me differently because I'm unwell and depressed and stop inviting me to places. This was a vicious cycle.

When I finally decided to talk I was pleasantly surprised : A) My friends already knew I was a bit on the mental side so it didn't really surprise them ;) B) They cared enough about me to make an effort to see me anyway. C) They truly believed (or did a great job faking it!) that I could cope with and concur the anxiety. This has made me love my friends and family and trust them so much more. Also the more I talked about it the easier it got. For a while I wanted to make sure that only selected people knew about my problem. But what was truly liberating was writing my first blog post. It didn't matter that maybe no one would read it, what mattered was that the secret was out so I don't have to hide it any more. It's out in the open for anyone who's interested to see :) Don't be embarrassed, know your audience but talk about it, it happens to so many people, it's time to admit to it so we can all feel the relief of not being alone :D

Much love, Kasia xx

PS. If you are in a mood for some inspiration watch these great talks from Brené Brown about vulnerability and shame (check for more on www.ted.com)

Safety behaviours, avoidance and what you could do to help your mad friend ;)

I would like to talk about my views on safety behaviours and why I see most of them as a form of avoidance. While my anxiety was spreading over all public transport I decided to make the journeys a bit more pleasant. I made sure I always had a bottle of water, that I was wearing layers so I could  remove some clothing when the heat rush kicked in, that I had my emergency medication (Diazepam and/or Lorazepam) that my phone was fully charged, that I had something to read etc. Shortly after I began being picky about what trains and buses to take, what time do I travel, what carriage I choose, does the guard look friendly, is there a seat close to the door and are there windows that could be open...

This quickly became a double edged sword. Yes, in a short run it made the whole experience a bit easier, but then I created this huge check-list of things that I must remember before travelling. By doing that I put more pressure on myself and again reinforced the thought of there being a threat and the thought that something will go wrong - like I was preparing myself for a disaster to happen. Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with having a sip of water, taking your coat off when it's hot or waiting couple of minutes for the next train if the first one is really packed. The important thing is to do it for the right reasons. Following those safety behaviours when you are feeling anxious and hyper-alerted will only increase the anxiety. In that instance this works in the same way as avoidance - instead of reassuring yourself that there's no threat, you reinforce the worrying thoughts.

What I find helpful is to have a calm conversation with my thoughts (yes, I do talk to myself a lot ;-) ). Accept your fear but think of a more rational scenario and wait for the thoughts to pass. Distraction can also be helpful but it has to be done naturally not out of panic. It's like taming a wild horse really slowly. What has been suggested to me by my CBT (Cognitive behavioural therapy) therapist is to acknowledge the thoughts but gently shift focus. It can be anything that works for you. I tried reading but it was quite difficult at first, I would do it very absent minded and often read the same line over and over again. What I found helpful was to look around and describe something - it could be anything, from train/bus seats and fabric they are covered in, to an outfit that someone on a train was wearing.

Remember that anxiety always goes down, your body isn't capable of keeping the adrenalin level up for a long time, it's worth seating through it so your body can naturally relax.



Friends and family tip: If you don't experience high level of anxiety but know someone who does ask them what they'd like you to do if they panic. It will show them that you are wanting to understand and would like to help if needed. I can usually feel it coming so I can give people heads up if needed but in most cases you'd notice someone panicking anyway. I think the key is to stay calm - two persons panicking will not help. The second thing is to do whatever they ask you to (within reason ;-)). Some may want a glass of water or a piece of chocolate, some may want a hug and some to be left alone. Don't ask if they are ok every minute, it may just cause more anxiety. Reassure them instead in a subtle way, or humour them - I love turning my anxiety issues into jokes! Also hearing someone talking works for me along with, as mentioned before, asking me to describe things as otherwise I usually shut down. It helps me regain my focus. Another thing that usually calms me down is when someone gives me a way out, it's almost like reverse psychology. For example when I was driving through a tunnel I started having a panic attack, my friend offered to stop and said I can run if I want to, having that option made me actually want to suck it up and wait for the anxiety to decrease, it was my choice and I was making it because I knew it would be better form me. Knowing a way out is often enough. It gives you a sense of control and it worked for me. It's almost like thinking 'yes, I could break the train door open, but I don't want to because there's no threat'. Not making a big deal out of the way you feel usually removes a lot of pressure and helps you accept your fear :-) This is what works for me, but you might have to find your own ways to trick your brain.

TBC.

Much love, Kasia :) xx

Public Transport & Hyper-Alerted state

So as I have previously mentioned public transport and difficulties I have experience on it taught me the most about anxiety and phobias. I have always enjoyed travelling, a lot of the time it was about getting from point A to B but often it was my favourite part of the day as during some busy times it was the only time I could sit back and relax.
After becoming more aware of my surroundings I have reached the point of constantly looking for escape routes on public transport. I become really hyper-alerted. I was feeling on edge waiting for something to go wrong and looking for potential disasters - I was catastrophizing.

My anxiety started to reach a really high level on the tube at first. Travelling around London during a rush hour obviously isn't anyone's favourite activity, but when you combine it with already underlying anxiety it can become really unpleasant. I started noticing how many people are getting on, is the journey not being interrupted in any way, how could I get off if I needed to, how would people react if I freaked out etc. When the train was in motion it was ok, but the worst feelings and thoughts started coming up when the train stopped on a red light, the thought of being stuck underground made me feel paralysed. By then I would start thinking about what would happen if the train has broken down. I would feel the panic attack coming and adrenalin kicking in. I'd get off at the next stop even though it wasn't my final destination. This is the biggest mistake you could probably commit when you are anxious! By getting off (running away from your fear) you only reinforce that fear and convince your brain that there was really a threat. Yes, you will feel a temporary relief, but if you think of a bigger picture your avoidance has just fed your fear and the next time when you are in the same situation your anxiety will only increase. I know how hard it is to remember that when you feel all of those unpleasant physical symptoms, but avoidance is never a way to recovery! There is many coping mechanisms that I am still learning about and will be writing about them in the future, but if you are reading this post thinking that this may happen to you, talk to someone asap, don't wait until you can't imagine even attempting getting on board of a train, bus or whatever you fear.

I sadly have learnt it the hard way... After justifying to myself that I don't need the tube since there are other ways of getting around I started avoiding it. My fear really quickly started spreading to other means of transport. My brain was looking for more threats, and if something unpleasant happened on a journey once, it would be that experience that I'd obsess about every time I use that specific mean of transport again. I would ignore the rational thoughts that this is just a train or a bus, and that the chances of anything bad happening are incredibly unlikely. The odds didn't matter, just the possibility of something going wrong paralysed me with fear. At that point I wish I could have stepped back from this situation, from my own body and accepted the way I felt but think of a more realistic scenario. Instead I tried to push away the thoughts causing them to come back stronger. I started fearing the fear. It felt like my brain was my worst enemy... I tried to control it rather than accept what I felt and interpret these feelings with a bit more of a flexible and understanding approach. Coping with anxiety isn't about fighting it, it's about managing it as an inconvenience that it is, nothing more!

Pretty soon I started feeling defeated and depressed and began to avoid public transport altogether... Until recently I have not used public transport in any form for around 6-7 months. I know that there are some people who have been in this situation for much longer, but if you really want to, you can find the strength to reverse it. It's scary and painful and it's all about baby steps, but it can be done :) The amount of satisfaction you will get once you face your fears is the best driving and motivating force there is, trust me! I want to continue facing my phobia so keep your fingers crossed. I will talk about my first experiences at a later stage. Next up I will share my thoughts on safety behaviours and why they can be as unhelpful as the avoidance itself.

Remember, adrenaline rush is one of the most amazing things our bodies can produce and can save lives, you don't want to remove it, you want to reprogram your brain to know when to produce it! :)

TBC.

Much love, Kasia :) xx

The beginning...

My anxiety is mainly related to claustrophobia in both forms - a fear of restriction and a fear of suffocation.
It took me a while to identify all the key events in my past which I believe piled up and resulted in high level of anxiety and panic attacks. I never liked confined spaces and growing up often had dreams of suffocation. I remember having numerous mini panic attacks growing up but it was never anything that I thought would escalate into something that was hard to manage. I have always been hard on myself and liked to appear strong so my way out was to pretend like the potential problem didn't exist.

The event that I believe triggered most of my anxiety occurred a few years ago. I was working in retail at the time. One day after my shift I got locked in at work by accident. That led to my first major panic attack. I was in an isolated staff area and everything apart from a couple of reflective signs was pitch black, I had no credit on my pay as you go phone and didn't know what exit I could potentially take as some of them were locked and alarmed (I worked at a 3 floor store in a large shopping centre). My rational self went out the window. The whole experience lasted only couple of minutes but it felt like an eternity - my escape mode kicked in.

(If you are unfamiliar with panic attacks it's worth knowing that when that fear kicks in, the physical reaction is the same to when you feel that your life has been threatened - doesn't matter how non-threatening the situation actually is. It's your body's very primal defence mechanism. You get a huge adrenalin rush combined with other physical symptoms: difficulty to breath, dry mouth, tense muscles, inability to speak are just a few that I experience. Even though the issue is mental, the whole experience often left me feel like I will have a heart attack and that I must stop this feeling at any cost.)

To continue my story... On my way out I got stuck in a delivery lift, which after a quick reset was back in motion. Still, it didn't exactly help my already high anxiety... I wanted it to be over, I was in that 'flight' mode until I got home, only then I felt a relief. I started shaking and feeling cold, tears started flowing down my cheeks involuntarily. I was physically and mentally drained.

The ball started rolling from there.
Being a control freak that I am, I began to analyse my every surrounding. I thought that knowing my exit routes and being 'in charge' of what is happening around me would help me. Quite the opposite, it made me more paranoid and restricted my options. Pretty soon I had a high level of anxiety using lifts, driving through tunnels, being at the back of a two-door car, basements and rooms with no windows, even cinema and public toilets if there was no gap under or over(!). It also spread to the biggest area that left me feeling hopeless - public transport. I will focus on it in my next post as I've learnt most about the anxiety through my struggle with it.

TBC.

Much love, Kasia xx

Intro

Hello there :)

I started this blog to share my personal experience with anxiety and what helps me to cope with it. Anxiety and experiencing panic attacks is something that my very rational self did not accept until quite recently and was fighting it in all the wrong ways! I felt ashamed, weak, I committed all the common mistakes which only made the issue snowball (really, really quickly). My attitude to most things and problems would a lot of the time be 'get over it!' so accepting any kind of mental issue was rather overwhelming!

When I originally started to look into anxiety and tried to find help I was embarrassed. Reading medical expertise seemed relevant but it felt a bit impersonal and didn't motivate me enough. I felt that hearing other people's stories helped so I decided to share mine. Please remember that I am not a therapist and what I will write about is mainly based on what works for me. I do, however, believe that the main principles discussed here apply to any kind of anxiety and/or phobia. I am going to be completely honest so if there's anything you'd like to know please ask :)

To my lovely friends and family: I also created this page so you could understand better what anxiety really is (to me) and cheer me on while I progress to manage it better. Hang in there! ;)

Love, Kasia xx