Public Transport & Hyper-Alerted state

So as I have previously mentioned public transport and difficulties I have experience on it taught me the most about anxiety and phobias. I have always enjoyed travelling, a lot of the time it was about getting from point A to B but often it was my favourite part of the day as during some busy times it was the only time I could sit back and relax.
After becoming more aware of my surroundings I have reached the point of constantly looking for escape routes on public transport. I become really hyper-alerted. I was feeling on edge waiting for something to go wrong and looking for potential disasters - I was catastrophizing.

My anxiety started to reach a really high level on the tube at first. Travelling around London during a rush hour obviously isn't anyone's favourite activity, but when you combine it with already underlying anxiety it can become really unpleasant. I started noticing how many people are getting on, is the journey not being interrupted in any way, how could I get off if I needed to, how would people react if I freaked out etc. When the train was in motion it was ok, but the worst feelings and thoughts started coming up when the train stopped on a red light, the thought of being stuck underground made me feel paralysed. By then I would start thinking about what would happen if the train has broken down. I would feel the panic attack coming and adrenalin kicking in. I'd get off at the next stop even though it wasn't my final destination. This is the biggest mistake you could probably commit when you are anxious! By getting off (running away from your fear) you only reinforce that fear and convince your brain that there was really a threat. Yes, you will feel a temporary relief, but if you think of a bigger picture your avoidance has just fed your fear and the next time when you are in the same situation your anxiety will only increase. I know how hard it is to remember that when you feel all of those unpleasant physical symptoms, but avoidance is never a way to recovery! There is many coping mechanisms that I am still learning about and will be writing about them in the future, but if you are reading this post thinking that this may happen to you, talk to someone asap, don't wait until you can't imagine even attempting getting on board of a train, bus or whatever you fear.

I sadly have learnt it the hard way... After justifying to myself that I don't need the tube since there are other ways of getting around I started avoiding it. My fear really quickly started spreading to other means of transport. My brain was looking for more threats, and if something unpleasant happened on a journey once, it would be that experience that I'd obsess about every time I use that specific mean of transport again. I would ignore the rational thoughts that this is just a train or a bus, and that the chances of anything bad happening are incredibly unlikely. The odds didn't matter, just the possibility of something going wrong paralysed me with fear. At that point I wish I could have stepped back from this situation, from my own body and accepted the way I felt but think of a more realistic scenario. Instead I tried to push away the thoughts causing them to come back stronger. I started fearing the fear. It felt like my brain was my worst enemy... I tried to control it rather than accept what I felt and interpret these feelings with a bit more of a flexible and understanding approach. Coping with anxiety isn't about fighting it, it's about managing it as an inconvenience that it is, nothing more!

Pretty soon I started feeling defeated and depressed and began to avoid public transport altogether... Until recently I have not used public transport in any form for around 6-7 months. I know that there are some people who have been in this situation for much longer, but if you really want to, you can find the strength to reverse it. It's scary and painful and it's all about baby steps, but it can be done :) The amount of satisfaction you will get once you face your fears is the best driving and motivating force there is, trust me! I want to continue facing my phobia so keep your fingers crossed. I will talk about my first experiences at a later stage. Next up I will share my thoughts on safety behaviours and why they can be as unhelpful as the avoidance itself.

Remember, adrenaline rush is one of the most amazing things our bodies can produce and can save lives, you don't want to remove it, you want to reprogram your brain to know when to produce it! :)

TBC.

Much love, Kasia :) xx