To begin with I would like to talk about something which my CBT therapist called "rules for living". While exploring the roots of my anxiety and panic attacks we came across a few interesting and helpful variables. One of them was my rule for living. It is something that we often root in our beliefs and personalities and it can affect all of our future decisions and the way we live our lives. Often something that we've been brought up with or were influenced by the environment and society which we were surrounded by (that's what I understood anyway ;) ). I created my own rules for living at a very early age and haven't reviewed/questioned them since so they stayed with me. My upbringing wasn't the happiest so pretty quickly I convinced myself of the following: must always be independent, must always be strong, showing emotions and vulnerability is a weakness. To some people I often appear closed-off, unavailable and they probably have never seen me showing a wide range of emotions. Those who have managed to break past my shell know that I'm just a silly, insecure at times, sensitive, people loving person that is capable of laughing out loud (imagine that ;) ). It took me a while to let anyone that close purely because I was scared they will uncover my 'secrets' and use them against me so I pushed people away instead. Hiding your true emotions is hard work - it's pretty much a full time job! Don't get me wrong, I haven't got a problem with voicing my opinions or talking about uncomfortable subjects, but most of the time I would only do this when I think I can keep my emotions in check.
So that being said when it came to talking to anyone about how anxiety affects my life it seemed impossible. The fear of rejection, lack of understanding or worrying my close ones was unbearable. Me losing control over a part of my life was something that I could not accept let alone share with other people. I then tried to convince myself that if my friends would want to understand they will. Shortly afterwards, however, I began to fear that I would become some sort of a burden, a pity case. Unable to travel to meet people I started avoiding phone calls. I was scared that me turning down a night out would be taken the wrong way and I didn't feel that I was ready to talk about the true reason behind me being antisocial or ask for help. At the time I thought I could handle it by myself. Well I really couldn't. Pretty soon I ended up depressed. I eventually sought professional help but it took a while to set up and I didn't have enough strength to deal with all the issues piling up. The secret of it all began to be heavier and heavier. My anxiety level was so high that I felt like I didn't know myself or my body any more. After running out of excuses and sanity I decided to talk. At that time I was still at the very beginning of my learning process about anxiety so I couldn't always articulate the problem very well. What I found helpful was actually sending my friends and family links to forums where people talked about similar experiences. There are a couple of reasons why I chose that way; firstly I didn't have to say certain things out loud, secondly in my head it made me less of a loony because my friends could see that this problem is quite common. I was afraid of being judged and looked at as a lazy diva who will no longer take public transport or that people would talk to me differently because I'm unwell and depressed and stop inviting me to places. This was a vicious cycle.
When I finally decided to talk I was pleasantly surprised : A) My friends already knew I was a bit on the mental side so it didn't really surprise them ;) B) They cared enough about me to make an effort to see me anyway. C) They truly believed (or did a great job faking it!) that I could cope with and concur the anxiety. This has made me love my friends and family and trust them so much more. Also the more I talked about it the easier it got. For a while I wanted to make sure that only selected people knew about my problem. But what was truly liberating was writing my first blog post. It didn't matter that maybe no one would read it, what mattered was that the secret was out so I don't have to hide it any more. It's out in the open for anyone who's interested to see :) Don't be embarrassed, know your audience but talk about it, it happens to so many people, it's time to admit to it so we can all feel the relief of not being alone :D
Much love, Kasia xx
PS. If you are in a mood for some inspiration watch these great talks from Brené Brown about vulnerability and shame (check for more on www.ted.com)
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