It took me a while to identify all the key events in my past which I believe piled up and resulted in high level of anxiety and panic attacks. I never liked confined spaces and growing up often had dreams of suffocation. I remember having numerous mini panic attacks growing up but it was never anything that I thought would escalate into something that was hard to manage. I have always been hard on myself and liked to appear strong so my way out was to pretend like the potential problem didn't exist.
The event that I believe triggered most of my anxiety occurred a few years ago. I was working in retail at the time. One day after my shift I got locked in at work by accident. That led to my first major panic attack. I was in an isolated staff area and everything apart from a couple of reflective signs was pitch black, I had no credit on my pay as you go phone and didn't know what exit I could potentially take as some of them were locked and alarmed (I worked at a 3 floor store in a large shopping centre). My rational self went out the window. The whole experience lasted only couple of minutes but it felt like an eternity - my escape mode kicked in.
(If you are unfamiliar with panic attacks it's worth knowing that when that fear kicks in, the physical reaction is the same to when you feel that your life has been threatened - doesn't matter how non-threatening the situation actually is. It's your body's very primal defence mechanism. You get a huge adrenalin rush combined with other physical symptoms: difficulty to breath, dry mouth, tense muscles, inability to speak are just a few that I experience. Even though the issue is mental, the whole experience often left me feel like I will have a heart attack and that I must stop this feeling at any cost.)
To continue my story... On my way out I got stuck in a delivery lift, which after a quick reset was back in motion. Still, it didn't exactly help my already high anxiety... I wanted it to be over, I was in that 'flight' mode until I got home, only then I felt a relief. I started shaking and feeling cold, tears started flowing down my cheeks involuntarily. I was physically and mentally drained.
The ball started rolling from there.
Being a control freak that I am, I began to analyse my every surrounding. I thought that knowing my exit routes and being 'in charge' of what is happening around me would help me. Quite the opposite, it made me more paranoid and restricted my options. Pretty soon I had a high level of anxiety using lifts, driving through tunnels, being at the back of a two-door car, basements and rooms with no windows, even cinema and public toilets if there was no gap under or over(!). It also spread to the biggest area that left me feeling hopeless - public transport. I will focus on it in my next post as I've learnt most about the anxiety through my struggle with it.
TBC.
Much love, Kasia xx
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