The aftermath a.k.a screw you anxiety :D

        So I am writing this post x amount of miles above the ground and it feels surreal. It's my first flight in 18 months and obviously the first one after my CBT. I think at the back of my head this was the final test. I always enjoyed flying but since my anxiety became quite severe I wasn't sure if I could do it any more. Well I'm doing it right now and I'm grinning like a child with tears in my eyes at the same time! This means and symbolises so much to me.

During my last session I reviewed my initial goals and one of them was to visit my mum this summer, get to the airport by public transport and fly, all without any meds. This seemed like an impossible goal a year ago and if I remember correctly I was rather sceptical about achieving it at all. It's hard to describe how I feel right now, I guess emotional would be the best choice of word, followed by relieved. I cannot wait to give my mum the biggest hug! This has been by far the biggest challenge and obstacle to overcome and not something I would wish on anyone. All of a sudden I feel weirdly empowered. If you are reading this and considering CBT or any other treatment please do it, there is so much to gain! Now instead of feeling anxious I am back to my impatient self wanting to ask: 'are we there yet?!' ;)

         I wanted to thank my therapist James for not leavings any stones unturned and pushing me in the direction of recovery. I am so grateful to everyone who has supported me throughout the process. I feel like I am doing some sort of an award speech but who cares. I'm happy! :D :D :D

Much love,

Kasia xx

                                   My anxiety and phobia graph.

RE: Chasing Perfection

        After writing my 'Chasing Perfection' post I've been thinking a lot about happiness and what it means to me. The reason I've written the last post is to show that there are better and worse days. Days when you feel confident and days when you doubt yourself. So I thought I could turn it into a conversation. I realised that I don't accept failure and/or weakness but I also find it hard to accept a success. I had a chat with a lovely lady who's very close to my heart and always asks me the right questions in order for me to reassess any situation and find a way forward. The perfectionism can be very useful being a driving force but it can be just as self destructive. Self acceptance and self love when we thrive and succeed is easy. Doing the same when we aren't doing well is quite different and it is something worth learning. The unconditional love and acceptance is a special gift, a skill that I want to learn. This post my sound very hippie-like but this way of thinking has proven to be most helpful for me and truly agrees with who I am and who I want to be.

     For instance what would you say to someone who was dealing with your problems? Why can't you follow your own advice and find the encouragement within yourself? Self love does not mean narcissism or arrogance, it's listening to oneself and being kind to yourself. I have a very few happy childhood memories, let's not throw a pity party and go into details but there were some dark times. I see it differently now, but at the time I was blocking any excitement because 9 times out of 10 I ended up hurt and disappointment. I feared happiness because it never lasted and only led to more trauma. Being on a lookout for things to go wrong in my adult life proved very exhausting and didn't bring me much joy. After finally dealing with a lot of the issues I tried to bury and pretend they didn't exist I started to feel happy. A geuine relief and pure happiness. A few moths ago I was jobless, dealing with anxiety and sleeping on peoples spare beds or sofas (all by choice and in the spirit of starting over). And guess what, I woke up happy every day. I listened to my true self, ignored all of the excuses and spent some time alone. I'm still holding back and fear that my happiness will somehow be taken away from me, but then I remember it can't because it comes from within. And as my wonderful Spiritual Life Coach (as I like to call her) says: Happiness will only attract more happiness :)

Much love,

Kasia xx

The fear of relapse/approaching the end

I'm approaching the end of my treatment and the thought of it began to scare me a bit. My CBT sessions became my safety cushion but I know I can't depend on them and it's time to let go. A few weeks ago I started freaking out. I'm off my meds which I'm sure doesn't help but I wanted to come off them because a. I needed a reality check whether I could cope without them b. I don't like the idea of having strong chemicals in my system daily. (If you are thinking of coming off your meds talk to your doctor first, it was a long process for me, firstly I lowered the dose for a month, then I started taking it 6 days a week instead of 7, then 5, then 4 etc. it can't be done overnight, it takes a few months).

So why the freak out? It all leads back to my achievement list. The fear of my achievements being taken away, the fear of relapse. I've been doing so well that I started to feel anxious about potentially being anxious again. The time when my anxiety was at its highest and I was pretty much home bound was most definitely the worst time of life. The idea of me ever feeling the way I did ever again is one of the scariest thoughts. Again I don't think I give myself enough credit for the work I've done, I never celebrate my successes and take a breather, it's all about 'I've done it, what's next?'. What I found quite helpful was reviewing my progress. Taking myself back to where I started and appreciating the work I've put into it. I started thinking about potential relapse and how bad it could possibly be. My therapist had an analogy for it, simple but true: if you are on a motor way and your car breaks down do you stop and fix it or do you go all the way back? I think with anxiety it's important to accept that there will be better and worse days, it doesn't mean that after the anxiety level increasing a bit things will go all the way to the beginning. Just keep working through it, allow yourself to feel anxious. Accept it and it will go away! I have my last session coming up this week (11.07.2012), I will post afterwards. Wish me luck!

TBC

Much love,

Kasia xx

Chasing Perfection

30.05.2013

        God I've got issues! So I had another CBT session which always leaves me in a bit of an emotional mess. I've been digging dipper and dipper, opening wounds I thought were healed. I don't want to scare anyone, this has been the most interesting and helpful journey I could have possible taken. There are, however, 'new' issues that keep coming up to the surface. It's been great, I have identified a lot of useful variables - no holding back for me. It did leave me thinking that perhaps I'm chasing the impossible. I guess 20something years with surprising certain feelings, rejection, daddy issues and self criticism does add up. I realised that I obsess about achieving perfection but once I reach my goals I diminish them completely. 'Happiness never lasts' my brain keeps whispering, 'things will go back to being s**t again so look out'. I have reached the top of my hierarchy yet I'm still not satisfied and question my abilities to cope. As if I can't give myself any credit for what I have achieved. Funnily enough it seems that even my friends can't win. For instance due to me being extremely self critical I question people praising me. Yes it's nice and it lifts my spirits but nearly immediately I start taking the compliments apart and manage to come up with numerous 'buts' and 'ifs' of why my achievements aren't really impressive.

On the other hand I'm so used to criticism that if you are mean and critical you're probably doing me more of a favour. It's like reverse psychology all over again. If you try to diminish my achievements I will feel uncomfortable but then my positive self-protective side kicks in ready to fight back and prove you wrong. Either way, I find new reasons to cause more drama for myself. When things go calm and quite that's when I'm most scared because I'm waiting for things to go wrong. It's like there's a part of me that is self destructive or at least masochistic. You may ask what does have to do with anxiety? Well me being the perfectionist causes additional anxiety because I create the never ending checklists of things that I have to tick off the list in order to be 'healed'. What I have discovered is that once I reach the bottom of the list I just make a new page. It's a constant chase as if allowing myself to feel happiness and appreciation of work I've put in would attract another problem to deal with. My philosophy at times seems to be: when things go wrong life can only get better, so why not just be unhappy and wait for the happiness that you will never allow yourself to feel... Seriously I want to get over it! I need to relax my rules and let go. I want to allow myself to feel joy, it may be another long journey as I'm rather emotionally scarred but I'm curious at the same time.

Wish me luck,

Much love, Kasia xx