The aftermath a.k.a screw you anxiety :D

        So I am writing this post x amount of miles above the ground and it feels surreal. It's my first flight in 18 months and obviously the first one after my CBT. I think at the back of my head this was the final test. I always enjoyed flying but since my anxiety became quite severe I wasn't sure if I could do it any more. Well I'm doing it right now and I'm grinning like a child with tears in my eyes at the same time! This means and symbolises so much to me.

During my last session I reviewed my initial goals and one of them was to visit my mum this summer, get to the airport by public transport and fly, all without any meds. This seemed like an impossible goal a year ago and if I remember correctly I was rather sceptical about achieving it at all. It's hard to describe how I feel right now, I guess emotional would be the best choice of word, followed by relieved. I cannot wait to give my mum the biggest hug! This has been by far the biggest challenge and obstacle to overcome and not something I would wish on anyone. All of a sudden I feel weirdly empowered. If you are reading this and considering CBT or any other treatment please do it, there is so much to gain! Now instead of feeling anxious I am back to my impatient self wanting to ask: 'are we there yet?!' ;)

         I wanted to thank my therapist James for not leavings any stones unturned and pushing me in the direction of recovery. I am so grateful to everyone who has supported me throughout the process. I feel like I am doing some sort of an award speech but who cares. I'm happy! :D :D :D

Much love,

Kasia xx

                                   My anxiety and phobia graph.

RE: Chasing Perfection

        After writing my 'Chasing Perfection' post I've been thinking a lot about happiness and what it means to me. The reason I've written the last post is to show that there are better and worse days. Days when you feel confident and days when you doubt yourself. So I thought I could turn it into a conversation. I realised that I don't accept failure and/or weakness but I also find it hard to accept a success. I had a chat with a lovely lady who's very close to my heart and always asks me the right questions in order for me to reassess any situation and find a way forward. The perfectionism can be very useful being a driving force but it can be just as self destructive. Self acceptance and self love when we thrive and succeed is easy. Doing the same when we aren't doing well is quite different and it is something worth learning. The unconditional love and acceptance is a special gift, a skill that I want to learn. This post my sound very hippie-like but this way of thinking has proven to be most helpful for me and truly agrees with who I am and who I want to be.

     For instance what would you say to someone who was dealing with your problems? Why can't you follow your own advice and find the encouragement within yourself? Self love does not mean narcissism or arrogance, it's listening to oneself and being kind to yourself. I have a very few happy childhood memories, let's not throw a pity party and go into details but there were some dark times. I see it differently now, but at the time I was blocking any excitement because 9 times out of 10 I ended up hurt and disappointment. I feared happiness because it never lasted and only led to more trauma. Being on a lookout for things to go wrong in my adult life proved very exhausting and didn't bring me much joy. After finally dealing with a lot of the issues I tried to bury and pretend they didn't exist I started to feel happy. A geuine relief and pure happiness. A few moths ago I was jobless, dealing with anxiety and sleeping on peoples spare beds or sofas (all by choice and in the spirit of starting over). And guess what, I woke up happy every day. I listened to my true self, ignored all of the excuses and spent some time alone. I'm still holding back and fear that my happiness will somehow be taken away from me, but then I remember it can't because it comes from within. And as my wonderful Spiritual Life Coach (as I like to call her) says: Happiness will only attract more happiness :)

Much love,

Kasia xx

The fear of relapse/approaching the end

I'm approaching the end of my treatment and the thought of it began to scare me a bit. My CBT sessions became my safety cushion but I know I can't depend on them and it's time to let go. A few weeks ago I started freaking out. I'm off my meds which I'm sure doesn't help but I wanted to come off them because a. I needed a reality check whether I could cope without them b. I don't like the idea of having strong chemicals in my system daily. (If you are thinking of coming off your meds talk to your doctor first, it was a long process for me, firstly I lowered the dose for a month, then I started taking it 6 days a week instead of 7, then 5, then 4 etc. it can't be done overnight, it takes a few months).

So why the freak out? It all leads back to my achievement list. The fear of my achievements being taken away, the fear of relapse. I've been doing so well that I started to feel anxious about potentially being anxious again. The time when my anxiety was at its highest and I was pretty much home bound was most definitely the worst time of life. The idea of me ever feeling the way I did ever again is one of the scariest thoughts. Again I don't think I give myself enough credit for the work I've done, I never celebrate my successes and take a breather, it's all about 'I've done it, what's next?'. What I found quite helpful was reviewing my progress. Taking myself back to where I started and appreciating the work I've put into it. I started thinking about potential relapse and how bad it could possibly be. My therapist had an analogy for it, simple but true: if you are on a motor way and your car breaks down do you stop and fix it or do you go all the way back? I think with anxiety it's important to accept that there will be better and worse days, it doesn't mean that after the anxiety level increasing a bit things will go all the way to the beginning. Just keep working through it, allow yourself to feel anxious. Accept it and it will go away! I have my last session coming up this week (11.07.2012), I will post afterwards. Wish me luck!

TBC

Much love,

Kasia xx

Chasing Perfection

30.05.2013

        God I've got issues! So I had another CBT session which always leaves me in a bit of an emotional mess. I've been digging dipper and dipper, opening wounds I thought were healed. I don't want to scare anyone, this has been the most interesting and helpful journey I could have possible taken. There are, however, 'new' issues that keep coming up to the surface. It's been great, I have identified a lot of useful variables - no holding back for me. It did leave me thinking that perhaps I'm chasing the impossible. I guess 20something years with surprising certain feelings, rejection, daddy issues and self criticism does add up. I realised that I obsess about achieving perfection but once I reach my goals I diminish them completely. 'Happiness never lasts' my brain keeps whispering, 'things will go back to being s**t again so look out'. I have reached the top of my hierarchy yet I'm still not satisfied and question my abilities to cope. As if I can't give myself any credit for what I have achieved. Funnily enough it seems that even my friends can't win. For instance due to me being extremely self critical I question people praising me. Yes it's nice and it lifts my spirits but nearly immediately I start taking the compliments apart and manage to come up with numerous 'buts' and 'ifs' of why my achievements aren't really impressive.

On the other hand I'm so used to criticism that if you are mean and critical you're probably doing me more of a favour. It's like reverse psychology all over again. If you try to diminish my achievements I will feel uncomfortable but then my positive self-protective side kicks in ready to fight back and prove you wrong. Either way, I find new reasons to cause more drama for myself. When things go calm and quite that's when I'm most scared because I'm waiting for things to go wrong. It's like there's a part of me that is self destructive or at least masochistic. You may ask what does have to do with anxiety? Well me being the perfectionist causes additional anxiety because I create the never ending checklists of things that I have to tick off the list in order to be 'healed'. What I have discovered is that once I reach the bottom of the list I just make a new page. It's a constant chase as if allowing myself to feel happiness and appreciation of work I've put in would attract another problem to deal with. My philosophy at times seems to be: when things go wrong life can only get better, so why not just be unhappy and wait for the happiness that you will never allow yourself to feel... Seriously I want to get over it! I need to relax my rules and let go. I want to allow myself to feel joy, it may be another long journey as I'm rather emotionally scarred but I'm curious at the same time.

Wish me luck,

Much love, Kasia xx

Desensitise your fear!

It's been a while since my last post and a lot has happened. Things are moving in the right directions and I feel stronger than I have ever been and I wanted to share it with you :)
This post may seem a bit of a cliché in style of 'everything happens for a reason' but when I look at the chain of the past events I really think it does. Facing my fears has proven to be the most liberating and empowering experience so why not see it as a gift rather than an obstacle??? 

I might jump back and forth with my posts but I quite like the contrast of the journey and its aftermath. This is the most recent update. Currently I have reached the bottom of my CBT practice sheet hierarchy, I am still undergoing the treatment but I have reached a rather comfortable point. For some reason my brain tried to separate different fears and still attempted to plant the seed of doubt as if different principles applied to different situations. All fears have to be treated in the same way, no excuses, you can't be selective about what you face and what you don't. Work your way through it at your own pace but face it all. The way I try to deal with my fears and anxious thoughts is by turning them into positive ones, it's not always easy and obvious and a lot of the time my brain is just 'not buying it' but it is possible. My therapist has helped me with that part and it really works (think of it as reprogramming your brain). I turned it into a game. Instead of dreading facing everything that might make me feel uncomfortable I see it as an opportunity to practice! I accepted the fact that I have no control of what is going to happen but I have the choice of how I deal with it and I chose to face it. I learned to accept the worst case scenario, but I think of a more realistic one instead of sitting down in fear thinking that I could not cope if anything went wrong. I needed to let go of trying to control my surroundings. Of course, some days when I am under a lot of stress the last thing I want is to feel anxious, but you have to stick with it. When I first started working through my fear hierarchy I looked at it as if it was a check list - once something was ticked off I wouldn't want to try it again in case I failed and it would set me back. It's like if you won a gold medal and you wouldn't want to compete again in case you didn't do that well the next time. This is not the way to do it, there will be better and worse days, but the more you practice the lower your anxiety will get. You need to find the strength to desensitise your fear! 

It really is that simple. When I think that not so long ago I had a breakdown and felt indifferent towards being alive and I look at myself now and I am the happiest I have ever been, I knew I needed to share this part of the story. Living in fear (of anything) is not living, it does not mean that your life has ended, you have to find the energy within you to fight the fear and facing it really is the only way! It may take you a while to gather the strength but hang in there! If you reached the point of feeling suicidal please seek help! Your fear and depression that comes with it is just clouding your judgement, give yourself a chance to break though it and return to your true self!

Once you seek help you must remember to give yourself some credit! This is something I struggle with. Yes, people take public transport every day, but I look at it as only a symbol of my fear manifesting itself. Is it really about going on a train? It rarely is and it certainly was not in my case. We are all different, do not compare yourself to others, this is your unique personal journey. So instead of demeaning your successes  learn to give yourself credit for the work you put into it so far :D Be kind to yourself.

Much love,
Kasia xxx

CBT, my personal journey (pun intended).

I would like to talk a bit more about CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) since it is the main type of therapy recommended for people with anxiety and phobias. If you are considering it or know someone who might, this is how my process took place. I am not sure if it varies but I have been told it is pretty standard. Firstly, if you would like to seek help through NHS the process can be quite long. You have to see you GP, then they will refer you for an external evaluation (you'll be given a 'low mood and anxiety' form to fill up and will undergo a 1h phone interview). It may take a couple of weeks to set this up and I am pretty sure the process depends on severity of your condition and how long you have waited before seeking help. If your assessment is successful you would be offered a treatment (anything from a group session to a one-to-one). At first I was allocated a 50 minute session weekly or fortnightly with a mental health practitioner (guided self help), then a more advanced weekly 50 min-2h CBT sessions with my current therapist.

CBT might not be for everyone, certainly my first experience with it was rather disastrous. I was hoping that just for seeking help I'd get some brownie points and all I would have to do is show up and talk about my problems on a chaise longue. Not quite what happened. I think with any kind of therapy you have to be ready, very determined and committed to it. Your therapist can only guide you, ask you the right questions and suggests suitable solutions but it is up to you to do the work. You need to want this really bad, bad enough to dig deep, face your fears and put yourself in high anxiety provoking situations. It is very scary at first and you will probably find hundreds of perfectly valid excuses not to do it but once you break through that first stage you are half way there. It really is worth it. Even if your issue does not affect your life as much as it did mine not dealing with the fear is like having a dark cloud following you around ready to expand and rain a sh*t storm...

The CBT itself is performed in the following stages. Firstly you need to identify your fear, what you are actually scared of and what might have caused it. Anxiety and panic attacks are simply symptoms, finding the cause is up to you, it may not always be obvious, but it is very important to identify it. There are many ways of uncovering it and your therapist will help you with that (questions, exercises, forms etc.) but you might have to go on a little trip down memory lane. Second thing (which I believe works for every phobia) is to create a hierarchy of feared objects/situations. This will eventually become your practise sheet. You write down the things in order, from the ones you fear the least to the ones that scare you the most and mark your potential anxiety on a scale of 0-100. For example in my case the easiest exercise was taking a bus, so I put down a bus journey, off peek, familiar route with someone I trust first. Then I'd make it a bit more unpleasant by going in rush hour, then move down the least to the most difficult one (in my case it's a packed tube during rush hour). Depending on what you fear and how ready you are you might want to start with something easier. I've been told to begin practising on something between 20-40 on anxiety scale, something that would provoke a bit of anxiety but was manageable at the same time. It can be as simple as looking at pictures of buses or sitting at a bus stop, it is different for everyone. The key with CBT is to expose yourself to anxiety provoking situations but start reprogramming your brain by sitting through the unpleasant situation and wait for the anxiety to go down rather than panic and run away.

As I have previously mentioned I was not on any form of public transport for around 6-7 months before my first exposure. I found it hard to create a clear hierarchy as at that point I felt like I didn't know my body and that anything could happen. I was scared that I would freak out and try to escape, but I was so tired of the situation I was in and decided that trying is better than sitting at home making assumptions. My practice sessions are done with my therapist and are followed by homework to be practised on my own. For my first one we agreed to go on a short overground train journey. The first step was to make a theory of what I think might happen, how anxious do I think I might be etc. then practise and evaluate what actually happen.

I'm not going to lie, the minute I woke up that morning I was anxious, but I knew I had to do it so I convinced myself that this is what I want. I want to put myself through it because I know it will benefit me. When I first got on the train I was paralysed, it felt surreal, like an out of body experience. I wanted to get off but my therapist asked 'how would you feel about staying?' Him given me the choice made me want to stay and see what happens. I sat down and my safety behaviours kicked in, I opened the window and sat down frozen. I rated my anxiety to 60-80 at that stage. Opening the window reinforced the thought that there's a threat so I have been asked to close it. It is actually quite hard to remember everything that happened, we have used all the little coping tricks like shifting the focus etc. and my anxiety eventually went down. It pretty much followed the wave pattern with peek parts getting lower and lower. The whole experience had left me a bit confused, I was afraid that every train journey might be this way. However I soon realised it was like ripping off the bandaid. Yes, it was unpleasant  but everything I have learned about anxiety has been confirmed. It has given me faith that this could actually work and decided I was ready!

TBC.
Much love, Kasia xx

Telling your friends & 'rules for living'

After writing the 'tips to friends' at the end of my previous post I thought it would be important to mention how telling my friends and family about my issues with anxiety has helped me.

To begin with I would like to talk about something which my CBT therapist called "rules for living". While exploring the roots of my anxiety and panic attacks we came across a few interesting and helpful variables. One of them was my rule for living. It is something that we often root in our beliefs and personalities and it can affect all of our future decisions and the way we live our lives. Often something that we've been brought up with or were influenced by the environment and society which we were surrounded by (that's what I understood anyway ;) ). I created my own rules for living at a very early age and haven't reviewed/questioned them since so they stayed with me. My upbringing wasn't the happiest so pretty quickly I convinced myself of the following: must always be independent, must always be strong, showing emotions and vulnerability is a weakness. To some people I often appear closed-off, unavailable and they probably have never seen me showing a wide range of emotions. Those who have managed to break past my shell know that I'm just a silly, insecure at times, sensitive, people loving person that is capable of laughing out loud (imagine that ;) ). It took me a while to let anyone that close purely because I was scared they will uncover my 'secrets' and use them against me so I pushed people away instead. Hiding your true emotions is hard work - it's pretty much a full time job! Don't get me wrong, I haven't got a problem with voicing my opinions or talking about uncomfortable subjects, but most of the time I would only do this when I think I can keep my emotions in check.

So that being said when it came to talking to anyone about how anxiety affects my life it seemed impossible. The fear of rejection, lack of understanding or worrying my close ones was unbearable. Me losing control over a part of my life was something that I could not accept let alone share with other people. I then tried to convince myself that if my friends would want to understand they will. Shortly afterwards, however, I began to fear that I would become some sort of a burden, a pity case. Unable to travel to meet people I started avoiding phone calls. I was scared that me turning down a night out would be taken the wrong way and I didn't feel that I was ready to talk about the true reason behind me being antisocial or ask for help. At the time I thought I could handle it by myself. Well I really couldn't. Pretty soon I ended up depressed. I eventually sought professional help but it took a while to set up and I didn't have enough strength to deal with all the issues piling up. The secret of it all began to be heavier and heavier. My anxiety level was so high that I felt like I didn't know myself or my body any more. After running out of excuses and sanity I decided to talk. At that time I was still at the very beginning of my learning process about anxiety so I couldn't always articulate the problem very well. What I found helpful was actually sending my friends and family links to forums where people talked about similar experiences. There are a couple of reasons why I chose that way; firstly I didn't have to say certain things out loud, secondly in my head it made me less of a loony because my friends could see that this problem is quite common. I was afraid of being judged and looked at as a lazy diva who will no longer take public transport or that people would talk to me differently because I'm unwell and depressed and stop inviting me to places. This was a vicious cycle.

When I finally decided to talk I was pleasantly surprised : A) My friends already knew I was a bit on the mental side so it didn't really surprise them ;) B) They cared enough about me to make an effort to see me anyway. C) They truly believed (or did a great job faking it!) that I could cope with and concur the anxiety. This has made me love my friends and family and trust them so much more. Also the more I talked about it the easier it got. For a while I wanted to make sure that only selected people knew about my problem. But what was truly liberating was writing my first blog post. It didn't matter that maybe no one would read it, what mattered was that the secret was out so I don't have to hide it any more. It's out in the open for anyone who's interested to see :) Don't be embarrassed, know your audience but talk about it, it happens to so many people, it's time to admit to it so we can all feel the relief of not being alone :D

Much love, Kasia xx

PS. If you are in a mood for some inspiration watch these great talks from Brené Brown about vulnerability and shame (check for more on www.ted.com)

Safety behaviours, avoidance and what you could do to help your mad friend ;)

I would like to talk about my views on safety behaviours and why I see most of them as a form of avoidance. While my anxiety was spreading over all public transport I decided to make the journeys a bit more pleasant. I made sure I always had a bottle of water, that I was wearing layers so I could  remove some clothing when the heat rush kicked in, that I had my emergency medication (Diazepam and/or Lorazepam) that my phone was fully charged, that I had something to read etc. Shortly after I began being picky about what trains and buses to take, what time do I travel, what carriage I choose, does the guard look friendly, is there a seat close to the door and are there windows that could be open...

This quickly became a double edged sword. Yes, in a short run it made the whole experience a bit easier, but then I created this huge check-list of things that I must remember before travelling. By doing that I put more pressure on myself and again reinforced the thought of there being a threat and the thought that something will go wrong - like I was preparing myself for a disaster to happen. Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with having a sip of water, taking your coat off when it's hot or waiting couple of minutes for the next train if the first one is really packed. The important thing is to do it for the right reasons. Following those safety behaviours when you are feeling anxious and hyper-alerted will only increase the anxiety. In that instance this works in the same way as avoidance - instead of reassuring yourself that there's no threat, you reinforce the worrying thoughts.

What I find helpful is to have a calm conversation with my thoughts (yes, I do talk to myself a lot ;-) ). Accept your fear but think of a more rational scenario and wait for the thoughts to pass. Distraction can also be helpful but it has to be done naturally not out of panic. It's like taming a wild horse really slowly. What has been suggested to me by my CBT (Cognitive behavioural therapy) therapist is to acknowledge the thoughts but gently shift focus. It can be anything that works for you. I tried reading but it was quite difficult at first, I would do it very absent minded and often read the same line over and over again. What I found helpful was to look around and describe something - it could be anything, from train/bus seats and fabric they are covered in, to an outfit that someone on a train was wearing.

Remember that anxiety always goes down, your body isn't capable of keeping the adrenalin level up for a long time, it's worth seating through it so your body can naturally relax.



Friends and family tip: If you don't experience high level of anxiety but know someone who does ask them what they'd like you to do if they panic. It will show them that you are wanting to understand and would like to help if needed. I can usually feel it coming so I can give people heads up if needed but in most cases you'd notice someone panicking anyway. I think the key is to stay calm - two persons panicking will not help. The second thing is to do whatever they ask you to (within reason ;-)). Some may want a glass of water or a piece of chocolate, some may want a hug and some to be left alone. Don't ask if they are ok every minute, it may just cause more anxiety. Reassure them instead in a subtle way, or humour them - I love turning my anxiety issues into jokes! Also hearing someone talking works for me along with, as mentioned before, asking me to describe things as otherwise I usually shut down. It helps me regain my focus. Another thing that usually calms me down is when someone gives me a way out, it's almost like reverse psychology. For example when I was driving through a tunnel I started having a panic attack, my friend offered to stop and said I can run if I want to, having that option made me actually want to suck it up and wait for the anxiety to decrease, it was my choice and I was making it because I knew it would be better form me. Knowing a way out is often enough. It gives you a sense of control and it worked for me. It's almost like thinking 'yes, I could break the train door open, but I don't want to because there's no threat'. Not making a big deal out of the way you feel usually removes a lot of pressure and helps you accept your fear :-) This is what works for me, but you might have to find your own ways to trick your brain.

TBC.

Much love, Kasia :) xx

Public Transport & Hyper-Alerted state

So as I have previously mentioned public transport and difficulties I have experience on it taught me the most about anxiety and phobias. I have always enjoyed travelling, a lot of the time it was about getting from point A to B but often it was my favourite part of the day as during some busy times it was the only time I could sit back and relax.
After becoming more aware of my surroundings I have reached the point of constantly looking for escape routes on public transport. I become really hyper-alerted. I was feeling on edge waiting for something to go wrong and looking for potential disasters - I was catastrophizing.

My anxiety started to reach a really high level on the tube at first. Travelling around London during a rush hour obviously isn't anyone's favourite activity, but when you combine it with already underlying anxiety it can become really unpleasant. I started noticing how many people are getting on, is the journey not being interrupted in any way, how could I get off if I needed to, how would people react if I freaked out etc. When the train was in motion it was ok, but the worst feelings and thoughts started coming up when the train stopped on a red light, the thought of being stuck underground made me feel paralysed. By then I would start thinking about what would happen if the train has broken down. I would feel the panic attack coming and adrenalin kicking in. I'd get off at the next stop even though it wasn't my final destination. This is the biggest mistake you could probably commit when you are anxious! By getting off (running away from your fear) you only reinforce that fear and convince your brain that there was really a threat. Yes, you will feel a temporary relief, but if you think of a bigger picture your avoidance has just fed your fear and the next time when you are in the same situation your anxiety will only increase. I know how hard it is to remember that when you feel all of those unpleasant physical symptoms, but avoidance is never a way to recovery! There is many coping mechanisms that I am still learning about and will be writing about them in the future, but if you are reading this post thinking that this may happen to you, talk to someone asap, don't wait until you can't imagine even attempting getting on board of a train, bus or whatever you fear.

I sadly have learnt it the hard way... After justifying to myself that I don't need the tube since there are other ways of getting around I started avoiding it. My fear really quickly started spreading to other means of transport. My brain was looking for more threats, and if something unpleasant happened on a journey once, it would be that experience that I'd obsess about every time I use that specific mean of transport again. I would ignore the rational thoughts that this is just a train or a bus, and that the chances of anything bad happening are incredibly unlikely. The odds didn't matter, just the possibility of something going wrong paralysed me with fear. At that point I wish I could have stepped back from this situation, from my own body and accepted the way I felt but think of a more realistic scenario. Instead I tried to push away the thoughts causing them to come back stronger. I started fearing the fear. It felt like my brain was my worst enemy... I tried to control it rather than accept what I felt and interpret these feelings with a bit more of a flexible and understanding approach. Coping with anxiety isn't about fighting it, it's about managing it as an inconvenience that it is, nothing more!

Pretty soon I started feeling defeated and depressed and began to avoid public transport altogether... Until recently I have not used public transport in any form for around 6-7 months. I know that there are some people who have been in this situation for much longer, but if you really want to, you can find the strength to reverse it. It's scary and painful and it's all about baby steps, but it can be done :) The amount of satisfaction you will get once you face your fears is the best driving and motivating force there is, trust me! I want to continue facing my phobia so keep your fingers crossed. I will talk about my first experiences at a later stage. Next up I will share my thoughts on safety behaviours and why they can be as unhelpful as the avoidance itself.

Remember, adrenaline rush is one of the most amazing things our bodies can produce and can save lives, you don't want to remove it, you want to reprogram your brain to know when to produce it! :)

TBC.

Much love, Kasia :) xx

The beginning...

My anxiety is mainly related to claustrophobia in both forms - a fear of restriction and a fear of suffocation.
It took me a while to identify all the key events in my past which I believe piled up and resulted in high level of anxiety and panic attacks. I never liked confined spaces and growing up often had dreams of suffocation. I remember having numerous mini panic attacks growing up but it was never anything that I thought would escalate into something that was hard to manage. I have always been hard on myself and liked to appear strong so my way out was to pretend like the potential problem didn't exist.

The event that I believe triggered most of my anxiety occurred a few years ago. I was working in retail at the time. One day after my shift I got locked in at work by accident. That led to my first major panic attack. I was in an isolated staff area and everything apart from a couple of reflective signs was pitch black, I had no credit on my pay as you go phone and didn't know what exit I could potentially take as some of them were locked and alarmed (I worked at a 3 floor store in a large shopping centre). My rational self went out the window. The whole experience lasted only couple of minutes but it felt like an eternity - my escape mode kicked in.

(If you are unfamiliar with panic attacks it's worth knowing that when that fear kicks in, the physical reaction is the same to when you feel that your life has been threatened - doesn't matter how non-threatening the situation actually is. It's your body's very primal defence mechanism. You get a huge adrenalin rush combined with other physical symptoms: difficulty to breath, dry mouth, tense muscles, inability to speak are just a few that I experience. Even though the issue is mental, the whole experience often left me feel like I will have a heart attack and that I must stop this feeling at any cost.)

To continue my story... On my way out I got stuck in a delivery lift, which after a quick reset was back in motion. Still, it didn't exactly help my already high anxiety... I wanted it to be over, I was in that 'flight' mode until I got home, only then I felt a relief. I started shaking and feeling cold, tears started flowing down my cheeks involuntarily. I was physically and mentally drained.

The ball started rolling from there.
Being a control freak that I am, I began to analyse my every surrounding. I thought that knowing my exit routes and being 'in charge' of what is happening around me would help me. Quite the opposite, it made me more paranoid and restricted my options. Pretty soon I had a high level of anxiety using lifts, driving through tunnels, being at the back of a two-door car, basements and rooms with no windows, even cinema and public toilets if there was no gap under or over(!). It also spread to the biggest area that left me feeling hopeless - public transport. I will focus on it in my next post as I've learnt most about the anxiety through my struggle with it.

TBC.

Much love, Kasia xx

Intro

Hello there :)

I started this blog to share my personal experience with anxiety and what helps me to cope with it. Anxiety and experiencing panic attacks is something that my very rational self did not accept until quite recently and was fighting it in all the wrong ways! I felt ashamed, weak, I committed all the common mistakes which only made the issue snowball (really, really quickly). My attitude to most things and problems would a lot of the time be 'get over it!' so accepting any kind of mental issue was rather overwhelming!

When I originally started to look into anxiety and tried to find help I was embarrassed. Reading medical expertise seemed relevant but it felt a bit impersonal and didn't motivate me enough. I felt that hearing other people's stories helped so I decided to share mine. Please remember that I am not a therapist and what I will write about is mainly based on what works for me. I do, however, believe that the main principles discussed here apply to any kind of anxiety and/or phobia. I am going to be completely honest so if there's anything you'd like to know please ask :)

To my lovely friends and family: I also created this page so you could understand better what anxiety really is (to me) and cheer me on while I progress to manage it better. Hang in there! ;)

Love, Kasia xx